Shattered glass doesn’t always break!

What holds a shattered glass together? What keeps those tiny pieces all connected, until  that tiny tap sends them falling to the ground?

That’s how I have felt these last few months, like a piece of shattered glass was my exterior, looking through the fragments to the outside world one tap and it would all fall apart. I have gone through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other until one day blends into the next. Crying in corners, hoping tomorrow would be different. Why?because that’s who I am.

This year has seen a turmoil of emotions for all my family, we don’t have a large extended family. There is my Mum, Husband, Daughter, Son and my brother and his family; that’s it, no big extended family to provide support both emotionally and in the physical sense.  I rely on my friends, those people who I have always been there for.

It seems to come naturally to me to put others first, to use intuition when I sense something isn’t quite right. They may have been silent for a few days, not posting as much on social media. That’s when I used to notice, to send  the  messages so that they know I am thinking of them and that even if they don’t want to or can’t answer they know I am there.

Those empty words that then when they are in a positive place ‘I’m always here for you, you just have to message’. Why do I have to make the first move?

So in my darkest of weeks/months I have come to realise that friendship for some is not the two way perspective I had always envisaged, it is clearly a ‘just in case they need someone’. When people say ‘I’m here for you’ I question that now and don’t really believe it, I have been proved that really they are just four words that roll off the tongue so easily with little meaning behind them.

I have friends, I know that (well I think I do lol) they are spread widely across the UK, the ones that pick up the sadness in my posts or statuses and private message me checking I am okay, I thank you. You have all helped to keep the shattered pieces close together so they don’t fall apart.

Many will feel this is bitterness or attention seeking, it isn’t meant to be it is actually a celebration of how far I have come. I felt like a piece of shattered piece of glass, that would break and fall apart so easily. I have learnt that the only person I can count on in my life is me. I have a family that counts on me too so even more important that I don’t break!

So what next?

Well I don’t need a dustpan and brush to pick up the pieces, I held them together somehow and I have come through. I have learnt I am not dependant on anyone, I can’t afford to be anymore. I won’t go back to sitting there hoping someone would message, if people message me they do, if they don’t then so be it I will not chase.

I am stronger than I believed I was; I may still be shattered, but I won’t be broken!